Say What You Mean

It’s ok to say what you mean.

That sounds easy and simple, and it is. But we don’t always do it with our children.

We have been raised to be polite and considerate of others, which is a really good thing until it gets in the way of the truth. 

When we speak to other adults we use this known consideration, but for children this is still an unknown language of subtle politeness they have to be taught and experience over time. For now they need the truth with politeness, not in spite of it.

I often hear parents in the park saying something along the lines of, “We are going home in ten minutes, ok?” 

What they mean is “We are going home in ten minutes.” 

There could be a dozen reasons why they need to leave in those ten minutes. A sibling is getting off a bus, a doctors appointment, or it’s lunch and nap time.  They are all good reasons and as a parent you need to manage your time accordingly. 

What was different about those two sentences? Go back to the first sentence. It became a question. So when your child says “No.” because they are having fun and want to play longer they are answering a question you asked. It’s just not the answer you want to hear. Their answer isn’t disobedient, it totally justified. But now you have a conflict and you still have to leave at some point.

You can remove the conflict by removing the question. 

First. Avoid conflict or misunderstanding as you pull into a parking lot, whether it’s a play ground or grocery store, tell your child what to expect and how you are going to spend the thirty minutes or hour. For example:

“This is your play time. I want you to have fun and make good choices on the play ground. Be a good friend to others and when I say you have ten minutes more minutes you say, ok Mom or Dad or Nanny. When I say it’s time to go, you follow me.  Do you understand?” 

That is the right question.

Then you need to know if they understand. If their answer is yes, great! Let’s go! If they show any confusion or have any questions now is the time to settle things, before you are on the play ground or in the grocery store. Settle it by saying, “When you listen to me we can come to the playground again. If you don’t listen to me we won’t come to the playground until you can be a good listener.”

Second. Have a great time playing and laughing and being present with your child. Really give them your full attention. They will feel it and soak it up and take that love and positive energy with them when you leave. It will reinforce that they can trust you will do this again because you’re having a good time too. It shows them you love them.

Third.  When it is time to go get very close to your child and look them in the eyes and simply state “We are leaving in ten minutes.” with a smile and a cheerful but firm voice. “Do you understand?” Wait for their reply. I always want a verbal reply so there is not misunderstanding leading to a conflict.

Fourth. After ten minutes call your child and let them know it’s time to leave, then start toward the car. If your child doesn’t follow, get close to them again and let them know in a very firm, sure voice and statement, that if they don’t come right now they won’t get to come back to the park for a long time. Then smile and say “Let’s go home for lunch.” Focus them on what’s next. “Should we have chicken tenders or a turkey sandwich?” “Should we do a puzzle or read a book when we get home before your nap?” “Your brother is going to be so happy to see you when we pick him up.”

Lastly This works in a variety of situations, so use it. The more consistent your are the faster they will understand the process. And don’t give up. You are retraining your thinking and speech as much as your child’s. It takes time and there will still be conflicts, but if you are consistent and use the same words each time a situation arises they will learn to respond respectfully and appropriately.