Welcome to the Spectrum
Last fall, through a series of events, my husband and I discovered he is on the Autism Spectrum. Some people may consider that a bad thing, but I have to tell you we are so happy to understand our relationship, and our way of communicating better than ever.
Autism is part of who he is, a facet of who he is. He is not only autistic. And we are totally enjoying getting to know each other all over again while we learn what it means to be on the Autism Spectrum.
A friend had mentioned a list of autistic traits she was shown while at a work conference for her business. The topic that particular hour was understanding difficult clients. Working with the public you never know who might walk through your door so this was insightful information for her. She looked at it as a tool to connect, communicate and serve her clients better.
But at the end of the final slide the list wasn’t describing her clients, it was describing her child. She knew he had unique characteristics, but being an only child she had nothing to compare his behavior with, so she just chalked it up to what made sense to her. He was shy, he was a picky eater, he loved his grandma more than anyone else, hugging wasn’t his thing. There had never been anything so outstanding that she jumped to the conclusion he was on the autism spectrum, and the truth was, she didn’t know very much about autism… until that day.
As she described her experience coming to this information she explained how relieved she was to understand some of his choices and behaviors. She had blamed herself, she had misunderstood and been frustrated, but now she was free to know her child better and grow together in spite of his differences.
When my husband came home that night I told him about the conversation while we ate dinner.
He listened, and ate, and we went about our evening.
A few days later he called me into our office and wanted me to watch a Youtube video. We are big believers in what we call “Youtube university”. We have learned a lot from watching people’s channels over the years.
This channel was called Asbergers From the Inside with Paul Micaleff.
The video format was another list. He had dozens of videos dating back years. It was like finding buried treasure. My husband and I sat back in awe of all the information, but even more in awe of all the information that described him.
He was autistic and we didn’t know it.
Most people are familiar with the autistic character played by Dustin Hoffman, and the neurotypical character played by Tom Cruise in “Rainman”, that is an extreme situation. Autism is measured on a spectrum for a reason, it is a wide and varying condition.
There were lots of clues that we identified now that we had more information. There were times I chalked his abruptness up to him being from Chicago. People in Chicago are typically more direct than people from Seattle, where I grew up. There were times he would say something that hurt my feelings and when I would tell him, he would say he “didn’t mean it like that”, which didn’t help me. I would have to tell him three times dinner was ready because he was doing something and couldn’t stop.
For 98% of our marriage we were on the same page. Our faith, our values, our choices, most things came naturally and fit together easily, but then there were times we knew we weren’t understanding each other at all.
These minor communication issues didn’t keep us from being in love or growing closer over the years so I didn’t think anything of them…until these videos. They revealed a multitude of things we didn’t understand, and for my husband he felt set free from the nagging feeling he didn’t quite fit.
The idea that he was autistic wasn’t negative for him, it was a key to dozens of mysteries going back as far as childhood.
He had never been able to mislead people. He was brutally honest. He felt, and made other people feel, awkward in social situations. He didn’t get subtle jokes or sarcasm. He sometimes wandered off not saying goodbye or not letting me know where he was going. None of that made a big difference to me, it was just mildly confusing, not a deal breaker by any means.
I’m what’s called Neurotypical. My brain is just regular, common, typical. Basically I struggle with math and organizing, but otherwise I get jokes and don’t mind being hugged.
This revelation was a good thing for us as a couple and my husband as an individual. He spent the next six weeks talking about all the memories he had that made more sense now, and told me stories he hadn’t understood until now. I felt like a door had opened into a deeper love for my husband. These untapped memories brought us closer and helped us navigate difficult conversations and situations. I felt better equipped to handle my feelings when I realized he “didn’t mean it that way…”
I highly encourage anyone to watch the Youtube videos by Paul Micaleff Asbergers From the Inside. He is a wealth of information. Everyone can benefit from understanding what it means to be on the spectrum.
I also super duper highly recommend watching the movie “Temple Grandin”. It is an extreme situation but it will shed light on the inner working of someone on the Autism spectrum, and the people who love them. I can’t say enough good things about this movie. It is not a documentary and is so well done. Temple Grandin is played by Claire Danes, who won her second Golden Globe for her performance as Temple, is spectacular.
My husband hasn’t been officially diagnosed. We don’t need that formality or professional insight at this point, but if you have a child or young person you suspect is on the spectrum, don’t worry about getting that diagnosis, worry about not getting it.
We are doing well working through our differences and learning more as we study Autism and talk together, but to end on a more serious note autism can be a struggle that leads to some very intense emotional situations that may require professional help.
I would highly recommend doing some research and considering your options. I don’t recommend ignoring or putting off a diagnosis. Knowing what we know now would have saved my husband a million little doubts about himself, it would have helped him join in and be a part of life situations he missed out on. Sadly suicide is a very real problem in the autistic community. A professional diagnosis is not a death sentence, in fact it can be extremely freeing, so don’t ignore the differences.
As Temple Grandin’s Mother would say, “Different, not less.”