Easing out of Bad Habits and Into Good Habits
EASING YOUR CHILD (and yourself) OUT OF BAD HABITS
It’s pretty easy to see what is NOT working, more challenging to find what does work. You know there is a better way but how do you get there? You want to do things differently, but how??? Don’t you wish you could just push a button and have a good habit established and a bad one gone? Me too! Too bad that’s not how it works. It takes a plan, practice and time.
It may seem overwhelming and you may have already tried several times to make changes, just to fall back into old, bad habits. The good news is you’ve been doing the right thing by trying. I’m going to give you a few tips on how to do it better and get good habits to stick with your kids.
The first step is to decide between you and your parenting partner what you really want.
If the two of you aren’t on the same page it will be more difficult and confusing for your child. So talk about the change you want to make and why. Having a ‘why’ makes it easier. Then put a plan into action. You must replace the bad habit with a good one.
Now comes the second step. See the Big Picture, find your WHY and commit to this yourselves.
As adults you are in charge of everything. What time is dinner? What are you doing on the weekends? Who do you spend time with? You make the decisions for reasons you understand and value.
If you want more family time and better communication make every Tuesday family dinner night. Find a night with no soccer practice, no late meetings or calls to make, no play dates. Prioritize this meal. If it’s important to you, it will be important to your child.
If keeping rooms in order brings you peace and calm (it does by the way), start with making your own bed every morning and teach your child to do the same.
If respecting other people’s time is important to you teaching your kids how to be on time is a great habit to instill in your child. Do you run late to school, piano lessons, time with friends and family? Don’t settle into these bad habits, they will follow your child into adulthood. See the big picture. Ask why is being on time important?
Step number three is how to communicate that to your child.
You know your child better than anyone, so take some time to talk about how to discuss the transition from old habit to new habit with your partner - then your children. If your child is a talker you can discuss the plan with them directly but if your child is a doer and won’t sit for a discussion don’t set yourselves up to fail, just start doing it. Give them step by step instructions the first few times you implement the plan - or change of habit. I’ll give you an example at the end of this article on how to plan.
The final step. Be patient.
Change takes time. Stick with it and be patient. Be willing to talk about what is working and what could be better. Is 6:00 the best time for a weekly dinner? Should you switch nights? Let a different person choose the menu each night? Have a theme once in awhile. These things are part of the fun, don’t make this difficult.
Make your bed and make it simple for your child to do the same. That might mean buying a smaller comforter for them and helping the first few times.
Compliment your children on their support and growth when it’s apparent. Don’t make compliments up, it diminishes their efforts, be honest and point out what they are doing right. “Your bed was so smoothly made today.” “Thank you for clearing our plates after the family dinner. Next time what do you want for dinner?”
Being late happens, but it can easily become a bad habit. Arriving late to anything is rude and being extremely late can have long lasting effects on your child. What starts out as late to elementary school becomes late to job interviews, work and related events, special moments and that all leads to a bad reputation for your child.
Even in high school there were friends that were consistently late and we got tired of waiting for them. In the days before cell phones it was especially a problem because you couldn’t just call or text and let people know you were running late. (That’s not a great plan either, by the way.)
After waiting way beyond an agreed upon meeting time, for a day that required a ferry crossing, our group of friends decided to leave that “always-late-friend” behind. She arrived to the meeting place only to have a mom tell her we were gone. There was no way for her to catch up, we barely made the ferry and there were some hard feelings on both sides. I’d like to say she stepped up and changed her bad habit of being late but she didn’t. She was still always ten to twenty minutes late to everything and probably still is today.
Don’t allow your child to become that person. If there is a bad habit you can tackle it with them and replace it with a good habit.
Being late can be an easy fix. Learn to say no if you don’t have time. Everyone is busy and people will understand that you can’t do everything, and if they don’t you shouldn’t be making time for them any way.
But if you’re struggling to be on time to your commitments and you want to change that these are some tips and tricks to help put a new habit into action with your family. These are opportunities to develop good habits in your child’s life for their future. That is another over arching “Why”. Your child’s future is in your hands. You are constantly teaching them how to live and be an independent, responsible adult.
Example Plan:
Goal: Be on Time
Why: Because it Respects your time and others. (Use positive verbiage when setting a goal.)
Discuss the plan with your child in multiple ways at multiple times. Use a variety of communication forms so everyone has their learning process involved. Use a paper calendar. You can start with putting family birthdays on the calendar so your children see how it works. for the Then show your child how to use a calendar by placing commitments in writing, on the days, at the time they will occur. Show your child how to check the calendar each day and look ahead. Show them the date well in advance of the event then keep the calendar up somewhere accessible - refrigerator, on their wall at their level or above a family desk.
Dinner with Grandparents on Saturday the 27th at 5:00pm. Let your children know at least a week in advance. A week is a good amount of time because they are familiar with that from school, church, garbage day… If your children are young you can talk about those things as events and watch for the garbage truck to come on Mondays or the Mail to come at 4:00pm every day. Those small events are big to your child and lay the foundation for larger events in their life.
Talk about the upcoming dinner every morning and each night before bed. Have them check the calendar and tell you what is coming up that week. It may seem like that big of a deal to you but it’s important that they connect and remember what is happening in order to prepare.
Asking questions to include them helps. “What do you want to wear to Grandma’s house for dinner on Sunday?” Let them know that they will lay out their clothes the night before. Talk about what they will be eating. Call and ask the grandparents what they are serving, ask if you can bring anything, and if you can bring something have your child help make it or shop for ingredients the week before.
Remind your child the morning of the event and count backwards from when you have to leave. Talk about how long it takes to get there during the week leading up to it. Make it a game. Ask your kids to guess how long the drive will be, then Google Map it together.
Tell them it’s important to be on time as you work through these activities. Explain that being on time is a sign of respect and love. Talk about how it feels when someone kept you waiting, how it can be frustrating when you’re the one waiting. Tell them, DON’T ASK, you are the expert and you don’t need their random opinions - kids think its hysterical to give wrong answers like “I don’t care if people are late, I like waiting.” This is not up for discussion.
We love and respect Grandma and Grandpa so we are going to be on time.
Talk about when you will leave based on how long it takes to get there. What needs to be done before leaving? Cleaning up the house so you don’t come back to a mess. You don’t want to come home tired and have to do anything for the next day, so put backpacks and homework at the door before you leave if it’s a school day, put toys away so no one is tripping over them later that night. Lay out clothes for the next day. All this adds up to less stress getting out the door and being on time.
Always assign your kids jobs. if you’re doing it all you will be late. Have someone get the food you’re bringing, someone else turn off the lights, someone check to make sure the doors are locked. Those little jobs will add up to a better, safer life for your child as they grow up and move out onto their own and again - get you out the door on time.
Have a race to see how long it takes for them to put their coat and shoes on earlier in the week. Time it for fun, but let them know it’s so you can decide when to get ready. This may all seem like a lot of work but believe me when I say time is precious and the work it takes each time you have to be somewhere and no one is ready will make you crazy. And you will raise your kids to be rude and entitled.
Have them do as much of the prep as they can. If a child can do it, they should do it. Teach them to make lists. Make one for them at first then let them make it. Have them check the jobs off. It’s fun to check things off your list.
Put your toys away ✓
Wash your hands and face, comb your hair ✓
Get dressed ✓
Turn off lights ✓
Get shoes and coat on ✓
Put that list on the inside of the front door so you all see it before you leave.
The final step. Be patient.
Change takes time. Stick with it and be patient. Be willing to talk about what is working and what could be better. Give your kids (and yourself) credit for working the plan and don’t give up. Use the plan for every event and you will all improve and beat the bad habits out of your lives, replacing them with good habits.
What is a bad habit you’d like to replace with a good habit?