Tonal Quality
I’m sure we can all remember back to a time someone in authority used a tone of voice that made us freeze, or at least hesitate to make that next move.
I knew when I was busted and in trouble, not because of what my parents or teacher or other adult said, but how they said it.
Even just your name could be made to sound terrifying.
Tone makes a big difference. You can probably also tell how dire a situation is when your child screams “MOM!” Is it a “I need help wiping my butt.” situation or a “I chopped my finger off.” situation? The tone of their voice communicates how fast you need to get to them.
The same applies to discipline when it comes to your kiddos. If you want them to listen and understand that what you are saying is serious, then you need to say it with a serious tone of voice.
My parents generation had that concept down - maybe a little too down. That might be why we have swung so far the other direction in our manner of discipline. Sharing the truth in a loving way is important, but love sees beyond the moment. A parent’s love sees decades into the future to when that child is an adult dealing with adult situations, to when they will be on their own and have to take life seriously.
That love has to prepare them for the real world, where they will not always get their way and their bad behavior will not be tolerated.
That love pauses, gets down on their level, looks them in the eye and with a firm and serious voice holds them accountable for their actions. That is not a “friend” kind of love, that is a “parent” kind of love.
So back to tone. Your tone sets the mood for the situation. It tells your children how to respond and how to consider the forth coming information. If this is a matter of safety or respect, do not back off on your authoritative tone. You are the authority and your kids rely on you to know when something is serious.
Safety is a no brainer, but respect goes hand in hand with safety. If your kids don’t respect you they will not take you seriously when it comes to their safety.
Right now it might be a whiny 7 year old that doesn’t want to make her bed, but some day she will be a 17 year old with a car and a curfew. Remember, a parent’s love has to see the long term.
Letting that 7 year old talk her way out of making her bed (Or worse, outright disobey you) will only tell her your rules, boundaries and authority don’t matter and aren’t important. Those situations will add up to disrespect on many levels if let go. It is harder to reign in a 17 year old than a 7 year old, and harder to train a 7 year old than a 3 year old. Start early.
Have set rules and boundaries in your home, then be consistent and stick to them. Sticking to good boundaries requires using a strong, sure tone when you communicate. That supports and confirms to your child that this is critical information that needs to be taken seriously - and by the way as a parent most things you say are important information.
If you say in a weak, pleading voice, “Darling, you should make your bed before your friend comes over to play, ok?”
What you are really saying is:
“Small person in charge, I want you to love me and not throw a tantrum. I want you to make your bed because it would be the responsible thing to do and the best way to take care of your possessions and when your friend comes over you will have a clean space to play in and it will look nice - but don’t get upset because I’m telling this, just please do it. Is that alright with you, because I’m not sure how you will respond and I’m crossing my fingers you do it but you might not…”
On and on, what your tone (and too many words) are conveying is your lack of authority.
Your child, of almost any age, will take this opportunity to seize control and do things their way. It is human nature. I’ve seen it a thousand times. Once you have given them the control it is even harder to get it back. And you need it back. Remember the car keys are only a few years away.
The best way to communicate is clearly and simply with a tone that says you mean what you say.
“Go make your bed, right now.” Not an angry tone - you’re not angry. Not a fearful, hesitant tone - you’re confident they will do what you tell them. Not an hysterical tone - you are in control and not freaking out about a potential conflict. Not a pleading tone - they are the child and you are the parent. You are not asking them to do you a favor.
Three steps to making yourself clear to your child at any age.
Say their name firmly, so they know they are being spoken to, and give them a minute to acknowledge they hear you. Each of these steps has secondary steps that we will cover in an upcoming post. But for example, if your child does not acknowledge you are speaking to them, get closer and down on their level - if you haven’t don’t that already. Remove any distraction, tv off, phone taken, friend out of room. whatever it takes to get their attention, do it.
Tell them in a calm, confident voice what you want them to do, with as few words as possible.
Never put an “OK?” at the end of your sentence. You are not asking for their input or opinion. If you feel the need to ask a question, ask - “Do you understand?” And clarify yourself if necessary. But don’t get bogged down in a discussion. See #2
This is an ongoing process and will take time for you to master if you have already given some control over to your child. Our words are like anything else, habitual. We get into the habit of saying things a certain way. You have to retrain yourself.
A final word on the process - give yourself time. If you find yourself caught in a conflict without the best voice or the best words, step back and take a minute. Say, “I’ll be back in 2 minutes.” Take a breath and don’t rush into the conversation. Think about what you want your child to do, choose the fewest words, and with confidence, and the proper tone, say it.
If you have already given control to your child, and find yourself stressed out with every conversation, pleading and hoping they will obey, I am here to tell you, YOU can fix that. YOU are their parent and you love them, they know that. It will take time and consistency but the sooner you say it like you mean it, the sooner they will respond properly.