Routine

“We first make our habits, and then our habits make us.” John Dryden

Routine

When my parents were going through their divorce my mom said something to me that, at the time, was completely foreign to my thinking. I have since come to understand and have adopted it as a basic life skill for myself and with children I raised.

Routine. 

In spite of the deterioration of my family and the uncertain future of our lives, my mom kept as many things the same as possible. Of course, I was a teenager and my whole life was about me. I didn’t notice her thoughtful planning or steadfast decision making on our behalf. I was just going with the flow.  But that flow was intentional, my mom was paying attention when I didn’t know how.

One day I was worried about something and when I asked her about it, she said, “Every day I’ll get up and go to work, we’ll have the laundry done and milk in the refrigerator. We’ll just do all the things we always do.”

I was struck by her confidence and certainty. It calmed me down to hear we would do what we always do. There would be clean clothes, milk for cereal - that was my known world at the time. I remember that calming effect clearly, even forty years later. 

Our lives were changing all around us, but we were just going to stay the course. The solid, must do things would keep getting done and that would help us maintain some sort of sanity in the chaos we were experiencing. 

You can’t always know what crazy thing is going to happen next in life. A marriage falls apart, you lose your job, a virus spreads across the globe. Who can prepare for all that? You can’t specifically, but you can stay the course.

The first step is to set a course. Put some order into your family life. Do the same things at the same time whenever possible so when the world is falling apart outside, your home feels safe and secure to your kids. And you as a parent.

Start with simple things like taking care of your stuff. (Too much stuff is hard to take care of so stop buying crap you don’t need. That is another post for another time.) The small things will build into bigger things.

Teach your kids to make their bed every day as part of their morning routine. Leaving their room in order will shore them up for a day that might be demanding emotionally or mentally. And coming back to a made bed feels good. It’s a way for them to contribute positively and control their environment.

That’s just one example. Here are a few more:

Eat a meal together as a family every day. 

Cook it together, put kids in charge of setting the table, clearing the dishes…

No screen time in the morning, visit with each other.

Come home from somewhere and have them hang their coat in the closet, shoes off, then go wash their hands.

Eat the same thing as a family for dinner - parents, you are not short order cooks.

Friday night movies as a family.

Saturday morning walks.

Church on Sundays.

Put kids in charge of their own laundry - sort, load, fold, put away.

Read for a half hour before bed.

These may seem like little, obvious things, and they are - but I know from experience that it’s easy to let them slip away into the chaos of life on a daily basis. And that just adds to the stress. Routine will help manage your stress. Routine in your child’s life will help them manage their stress.

Build it in to your everyday life with your kids and when big, really hard things happen you can go with the flow. Your family can deal with the big stuff because they know how to deal with the little stuff. Your kids will feel calm and secure in their world for years to come.