Use your ….

A child’s life is full of different emotions, different situations, different people. We can’t always say the right thing in the right way at the right time, but pausing to give your child a tool like this will help them communicate with you and the rest of the world in a confident and loving way while they figure out all those emotions and situations for themselves. 

Some basics. You know your child better than anyone and you’ll be able to modify these to fit your child’s personality and temperament as you practice. These are the first steps to resolving a conflict or misunderstanding and getting to the bottom of a problem. These steps will carry them forward toward adulthood. For now you are their adult.

Children are still learning how to control their impulses and they are just not that good at it until some time in their late twenties (I was twenty five when it suddenly occurred to me that my mom was right a lot of the time. Sorry Mom.) For now you’ll have to remember you know waaaaay more than they do and you are in charge of filling their little toolboxes with the tools they will need, to deal with life as it comes. 

I call this tool “Use your blank.”

There are some pretty basic situations you probably find yourself in regularly. Your child not getting their way is a super common one. Some times that means a mini tantrum, sometimes an all out melt down. 

Step One: 

Take a deep breath. You are the adult and parenting is rarely convenient. Take a short break from what you are doing to deal with this and I promise you it will get easier and less frequent as time goes by. This is an investment in raising a human, think long term. It’s also really exciting and rewarding to be part of their learning process. You are their coach, their mentor, their link to the outside world.

Step Two:  

Get down on your child’s level. Give them your undivided attention for that moment and look them right in the eyes.

Step Three: 

Use a calm and firm voice. You are confident that this is a tool that will help them succeed. Act like it. It won’t help a tantrum to yell across the room at your child. It won’t command any respect for what you are saying if you continue to read the newspaper or watch tv while you talk. It will only add to the chaos if you join in the emotional upheaval and lose your temper. You may even want to hold your child’s hands or put your hand on their knee or shoulder to connect with them in a loving but firm way. 

I always want the children I take care of to know I am willing to listen to their problems but only if they are respectful. I am happy to hear what they have to say but they must say it in the right way, otherwise I am not available. I am not available to be disrespected verbally, or physically abused, or threatened. If you want to raise strong kids with healthy boundaries in their relationships, set your own.

Before you can hear them or help them they need to reach a place they can be heard respectfully. If they cannot get to that point after you have used these phrases, take a step back and separate yourself from them. Tell them when they are ready to speak to you respectfully you will be ready to listen. 

Even a two year old will rise to the occasion when you speak to them this way. They understand more than you realize so don’t talk down to them. This is the beginning of mastering communication and you don’t want to waste these opportunities. 

If they still can’t find the right attitude you can walk them to their room or a separate area and tell them to come out when they are ready to speak respectfully. Use the word respect. They may not understand it in its entirety but you are demonstrating it while you say it so they will connect the dots eventually.

Firmly say to a:

Screaming child.  “Use your inside/quiet voice.” Then listen when they do.

Whining child. “Use your big girl/boy voice.” Then listen when they do.

Hysterical child. “Use your calm voice.” Then listen when they do.

Unkind child.  “Use your kind words.” Then listen when they do.

Pretty simple when you get the hang of it. The bigger trick is to get the hang of it. It requires listening and using your own calm, quiet, kind, parent voice. 

If you don’t know what parent voice is - it’s all those things plus a dose of firm. You are unwavering. You are sure. You know this is the best behavior and you are growing a kind, caring, considerate human, so be firm. And don’t worry, if it doesn’t work right away, just keep trying, it does work. I have 30 years of experience to prove it. This might be a new tool in your tool box so go easy on yourself.