"I was just teasing..."

“I was just teasing…”

“Teasing” is a weird word. It almost sounds like it should be fun and good but then there is a hint of not-so-good. 

Teasing creates a grey area between two people where there is plenty of room for something negative - at worst hurt feelings and at best misunderstanding.

Maybe I’m splitting hairs, but that’s what I’m here for. That’s what I do when it comes to communication, especially when it involves children.

Teasing can become a fall back to the truth. A way to lie your way out of an uncomfortable situation. It can also become a bad habit that creates more problems and more work than I want to deal with. 

There are actually two verses in the Bible that tell Fathers not to provoke their children to wrath. 

Ephesians 6:4

And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

and

Colossians 3:21

Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

You may or may not take the Bible as an authority and that’s fine but, I will tell you from my experience, it is right on when it comes to children feeling wrath and discouragement after being provoked. Teasing can provoke anyone to bad behavior but children are very susceptible since they don’t have the emotional control or experience to deal with hurt feelings well.

One of the first things you might have noticed about those verses is that they are talking to fathers. Don’t get me wrong, I am not bashing dad’s in this post. In fact I believe dads can be a wonderful and amazing part of every child’s life. They can also be a lifelong burden, like anyone who mistreats us. That goes for any family member.

I believe the Bible points this out because it’s in a guys nature to joke around as a way of communicating. What I want to point out is the alternative in some situations.

Children don’t know all the social rules and cues yet. They might not be able to tell when someone is joking and that can frustrate them, make them angry and they can become discouraged. That will begin to build a wall of distrust between parent and child.

A child won’t know whether or not to trust the person “teasing” them with their true feelings. They will begin to hide their feelings or react badly when hurt or misunderstood. They are being provoked to anger and bad behavior.

The above verses tell us that the opposite of ‘provoking to anger’ is nurturing and admonition. Most of us understand that to nurture is the process of feeding and caring for something or someone. Admonition according to Webster’s Dictionary is: gentle or friendly reproof, counsel or warning agains fault or oversight.

There is the positive teaching side and the positive disciplining side of raising a human.

The opposite of discourage is encourage. When you are faced with your child’s unwanted behavior ask yourself; How can I use an encouraging tone and words to nurture or warn my child into a better behavior? 

You can hardly punish a child for getting mad because someone has teased them to the point of anger or frustration. If they scream or behave disrespectfully, an adult needs to first check their own behavior to see if they have some role in the situation. Teasing may only heap unwanted behavior on top of unwanted behavior, creating more work for you as a parent.

I frequently witness adults, men especially, using teasing language or a joking tone of voice to make a point rather than a firm voice and the truth. What they really wanted to say might be something like; 

“Sit up like a big kid.” But instead they teased saying something like,

“Hey Slouchy, pass the salt.” Or “Here comes Slouchy.” 

Rather than simply taking the opportunity to “bring the child up” they mocked the child for the unwanted behavior.

I can promise you that child heard that over and over in their head and they let it sink into their mind. Even if it made them sit up straight at the time, they did it with a negative motivation; a nasty comment in the back of their mind, an unkind word from someone they loved instead of the simple statement - “Sit up straight, please”.

Joking is an important part of life and we want to have fun with our children but we don’t have to be our child’s buddy or best friend all the time. Joking might seem like a way to get and stay on their good side but sometimes you have to be a parent and just tell your child what to do, for their own good as well you yours and the rest of society. 

It’s ok, it’s part of the job. Joking can be saved for hanging out, playing and just being together, not communicating important information.

If you’re not sure what the difference is ask yourself these questions before you speak.

1. What do I really want from my child? For example; speak clearly, sit up straight, pick up after yourself.

2. Will they understand what I want from my ‘teasing’ or would it just be better to tell them what I want them to know in a firm, polite voice?

3. Could this come across as belittling them? Is this encouraging?

4. And finally, if you said something jokingly and your child got angry can you pause and apologize, then explain what you really want them to know or do? 

Parenting is such a process and like I said in my introduction, no one gets 30 years experience before having thier first child. The fact that you’re reading this means you care and want to improve your child raising skills. No one is born knowing how to parent, someone helps us along the way.

I hope this has helped and encouraged you as you grow in your parenting with nurturing and admonition!